tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
