do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
