Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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