My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
