Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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