I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
