Can i not drive my cunt home
Where is the hickey?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
