My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
