im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
