Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
