Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
