when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you didnt know i had herpes?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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