Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
