textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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