I met the friendliest cop last night
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize