I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize