Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
