hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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