He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
