even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize