I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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