I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
