The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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