i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
