i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize