So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
