just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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