Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
