Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
