I can tuck mytits in my pants
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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