why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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