The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
