how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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