You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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