So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
