if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
People in love make me want to vomit
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
