the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
