You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize