I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
