Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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