Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
