I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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