I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
