If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
