3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
