I could make wine with my vomit
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
