I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
