My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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