also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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