I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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