2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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