I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
