You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
