Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
