My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
