wanna go halves on a baby?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize