Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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