I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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