If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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